The Secret to Understanding Your Child
What your child is trying to tell you without words
Behavior is the #1 reason parents reach out to me
“They don’t listen.”
“Is this normal?”
“How can I make it stop?”
“Why does my child do this when other kids don’t?”
“How can I get them to behave more like...?”
I get it. When your child is hitting, melting down, not listening, talking back, or struggling in ways that seem different from other kids, it’s easy to worry something is wrong.
We also live in a culture that is quick to diagnose and label behavior that stands out. “Defiant, Difficult, Disrespectful. Too sensitive”
But when we start with the label, we often miss the child.
That’s why, when I am talking about behavior, I encourage the following mindset shifts.
1. Mindset Shift #1: Get curious instead of judgemental.
Think of behavior like an iceberg.
The behavior is the part we see: the hitting, yelling, refusing, whining, melting down, talking back
But underneath that behavior there may be so much more:
- Frustration
- Anxiety
- Overwhelm
- Disappointment
- Need for connection
- An undeveloped skill
- Hunger or exhaustion
This doesn’t mean we ignore the behavior. Understanding behavior isn’t the same as excusing it.
We can still hold a boundary: “I won’t let you hit.”
But we can also ask:
What happened right before this?
What might my child be feeling?
What is this behavior communicating?
If we only focus on making the behavior stop, we are missing what’s driving it. When we can understand what’s underneath the behavior, we’re much more able to help our child.
2. Mindset Shift #2: From Stopping Behavior to Teaching Skills
When behavior is challenging, we just want to make it stop.
How can I get them to stop hitting?
How can I get them to listen the first time?
But what if instead of asking, “How do I stop this behavior?” we ask, “What skill does my child need to learn to handle this differently?”
Maybe your child needs help learning how to:
- Handle disappointment
- Tolerate frustration
- Express anger without hurting someone
- Ask for what they need
- Calm their body when overwhelmed
Kids aren’t born knowing how to do these things. They learn them over time with practice, support, and repetition.
Our job as parents isn’t to control our child’s behavior, but to help our child build the skills they need to manage themselves.
Our child’s behavior is a window into what they are struggling with and an opportunity to help them strengthen the skills they’re still learning.
If you’re struggling with your child’s behavior and aren't sure what to do next, schedule a free call and let’s make a plan.
Warmly,
Andrea Robbins, M.Ed | Parent Coach | Parenting Vistas
